Day 17

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. 

It’s strange when you have to remind yourself to breathe. 

I don’t know what to do with his stuff. How long is long enough? How long is too long? Can the shirt just hang in the bathroom forever? I don’t know what to do. I’m frozen. 

Moving forward. Not moving on. I don’t even know how to do that. 

My heart hurts. Like there’s a physical weight that is just hanging there. Will it ever leave? Do I carry this forever? I don’t think I can do that.

I’m angry. And I’m sad. So very sad. And tired. I’m trying to live normal but it’s just not. I can’t be normal without him. 

People keep saying that I’m not alone and they’re here for me. That they’ll sit with me on the couch and cry. I know they mean it, but I don’t want that. I want Vance to lay beside me on our bed and hold me, stroke my hair, let me cry it out and remind me that God is in control. I don’t want anyone else to do that. It’s not the same. I want my husband back. I don’t want him to be dead. I wasn’t ready for this. 

This was supposed to be the middle, not the end. Not the end. 

But here it is. Day 17 without him. 

I just can’t do this.